Epi (Epictetus Angelakakis)
The would-be private investigator telling the story. His Diploma from a Queensland Correspondence School has to count for something.
The female police officer who gets into a relationship with Epi. Will it last?
The manager of Helping Hand Security who is a friend of Epi, hates being short, and would like someone to care about his turning 40. He is also running out of patience with Epi.
Epi’s cousin. Everyone is wild about Harry. They want to find him: some to kill, some to save. Bodybuilder, ‘can-do’ Harry, pushes steroids and speed.
Stripper, girlfriend of Harry. A nut-case.
Harry’s criminal business partner and an exact double for Mr. Potato-head.
Harbinger’s sexy wife who is having an affair with Harry and anyone else available between the ages of 16 and 96.
Harry’s mother sliding into dementia but still worried about the health dangers of unruly draughts.
Manages Johnny Gray’s gym. A real person in 1980’s Coburg. Moral compass for Epi.
Mario, Con, and Aldo
Loony-tunes petty thugs. Used as muscle by Epi.
Australia’s finest restaurateur and Epi’s uncle.
They did the human gene-pool a favour.
Fixes Epi’s abused but loved VC Valiant and offers unsolicited advice about the usefulness of getting laid.
Catherine and Stan
Epi’s hoiti-toiti ex-wife and her current husband – a financial advisor.
Epi’s son from marriage to Catherine. Lives with her and Stan, visits Epi on weekends. A prized weapon in the relationship wars.
Platinum-class homicide detective with a body odour problem.
Quite a few other characters make brief appearances, including a Greek priest, Mousy the Tagger, Simon the Disappointed, Harry’s ex-training partner Steve Trelowski, and of course, the northern suburbs of Melbourne.